...From an addicts mom

Keep me barely floating and I will learn to swim...
Prop me up and I may learn to stand...
Give me a push and I may learn to walk...
And then run and cry and laugh and maybe even live...

But remember none of it starts until you let go and barely keep me floating.

I love you more for making me do it alone than for any of the help I have ever gotten from you. This will happen; I will fix it alone or with help but I will do this. The task is mine, the work is mine, and the reward will be mine as well.

                                                                     From a letter written by a Naranon Mom...Barbra B used with permission


When your CHILD suffers from mental illness...AND addiction...their life journey becomes even harder...How to you draw the line between enabling and actually helping..when they are incapable of living in society AND they are active addicts...how much can you do for them without fast-tracking their drug use...Is it ok to make sure they get their required mental health medication? When my son, recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, goes off of his anti-psychotics... he is completely delusional and lost to this reality...there is nothing harder for me than to find him in a locked psych ward..lost to reality...soiled in puke and feces..and to only be able to clean him up and lie down with him on the floor mattress and just hold him.  The system is not set up for these people...especially the ones without families or even people who still care about them.  We often see them wandering , talking to themselves, lost in their unfathomable world...victims of abuse, starvation, physical harm and exposure to the elements.  Preyed upon by sadists and dealers...until they kill someone or try to kill themselves.  They don't fit anywhere.  They are mothers, fathers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, sons and daughters.  Sometimes they get stabilized in jails when they have been arrested after they resorted to stealing or prostitution to meet their drug habits or simply just to get the basics for survival.  We look away from them, cross the street to avoid them, pretend they don't exist... because we as a society are ashamed that we allow this to occur on our streets or we simply feel that they have 'made this bed and should therefore lie in it.'  Most of us would reach in to take a dirty, sick, starving, lost dog from behind a dumpster..but how many of us would reach out our hands to a homeless person lying there in the same condition...or look a prostitute in the eye, and smile.  A few weeks ago I went downtown and a homeless man was sitting in a wheelchair and begging for money with a sign he had made from some discarded cardboard.  I don't enable people by giving them money but i went up to him, leaned over and gave him a BIG hug.  A real strong... 'I mean this and I care about you"..  HUG.  He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and he smiled.  I'm not saying to go out and expose yourself to potential dangers by interacting with people who are using drugs and on the streets...just asking you to think about the person first..understand that whatever led them to this horrible place in life..and to BELIEVE that they have now lost the power of choice when it comes to using drugs.  No one says "I want to be a junkie when I grow up" . They are still people..and they still need our respect and unconditional love.

Please come and check out my facebook page as well <3
https://www.facebook.com/FishDontSleepLovingAnAddict

Release your weeds

I have always encouraged my children to cry when they were sad...boys and girls..not when they wanted a chocolate bar in the store or to get something they were denied...but to cry...even in private when the need arose and release all the sad feelings.  Crying, for me, is a necessary part of being human...being stable..being whole, and at peace.  If I get stuck in crying, then things get bad... but when I do purposeful grief work...find a safe place with a friend on speed dial ...and really, really sob from my inner child's little heart..I feel exhausted but more at peace afterwards...I think it is kind of like having a clay yard with weeds in it.  If you have ever tried to dig a clay yard when it is dry, you will understand that it is like trying to break apart a solid brick.  It is absolutely impossible to even pluck a weed until the ground has been soaked with the cleansing, nourishing rain.  After that, the ground will be workable and open. Enabling you to remove the damaging weeds.   Some plants, like codependents, thrive in this harsh soil...they have learned to soak up the good loving moments in life...lay down strong deep roots and to wither a little but persevere during the dry times when that ground is like a brick..feeling stuck until the next rain releases the weeds that choke them and the ground is workable once again.     <3

Holiday Hell...I Mean Happy Easter ...

Holidays are hard enough already but for us parents/partners of addicts they are the WORST!!  No matter what we do..invite them, don't invite them...go see them...don't go look for them...we will STILL feel like hell...SO what I have learned and the philosophy that I follow is to do whatever makes me feel the LEAST like hell on that particular day....Friday I decided to go and look for my son..even if I saw him rocking back and forth at a bus stop or if he still believed me to be a replacement robot...it STILL would have been worth it for me to at least SEE him on Friday.  Would I do the same today?  I am not sure..but I don't have enough gas and I have four other children to celebrate Easter with.  Instead , when I woke I asked my higher power to let him feel our love and prayed that one human being would connect with him today in a caring way.  After that I just had to let it go :')   I can't drive on his journey either and I need to trust that he is exactly where he needs to be (the two pictures represent two months ago and two weeks ago)...doing exactly what he needs to be doing...I can't stop his mental illness, I can't stop his drug using and the police say I can't get him committed again until he hurts himself or someone else...I can cry, scream, pray, help others, take care of myself and love him unconditionally, with strict boundaries <3  and that's it :'(  But if I let myself get sick with worry and relapse into my codependent behaviours THEN I will be the one in the psych ward or the ground...then I will be no good to anyone...including my other babies that need me..especially the three little girls at home and son away at the army ...When my oldest IS a part of our daily lives I find that making holiday plans WAY in advance are completely necessary...ESPECIALLY when the other family members are involved...(I'm talking enablers here...)  If your addict comes,  or doesn't come... they are going to screw it up....they can't help it...they will just screw it up..we decide how much of a part of our day we want my son to be...then we tell him a month in advance and he needs to respect the boundaries (can't sleep over, NO RUDENESS towards ANY of us..he can not be high, that there will be no using or alcohol permitted at our home...sigh) .  It helps us to prepare him, the day and the rest of the family...if he has to be removed ..the police sometimes have to be called...otherwise I just spend the day curled in the fetal position , crying...and that is no fun for anyone..and a total rip-off to my hubby and other kids </3  Best of luck and love to my fellow mothers/partners/dads/loved ones of addicts this Easter day.  I pray for your serenity and that your loved one finds the strength to live another day <3...

never ever give up

What about mental health ??!!!

Where I live, In Canada...there are little , if any, services for people who are mentally ill...add drug addict to this and the list is even shorter..they are left to fend for themselves and eventually end up beyond repair...Today I posted a video of a little blind dog who lived in a pile of garbage on my facebook wall.  These two people found the dog, cleaned it up, and rescued it from certain death into a good home. They EVEN got one of his eyes fixed!!! I wonder how many of us would do this for a human living in the same situation...in a pile of garbage, no one to care or to help them. Stinky, dirty, mentally ill and flea infested... How many of us would dive into the gross mess and pull a human being out and help them???  After 7 years of hard drug use (most recently iv heroin and meth use) my son has finally succommed to his schizophrenic tendencies and become a person struggling with schizophrenia...he is only 21, has been on the streets for 6 years and out of our home since he was 14...signing him over to the care of the ministry was THE hardest decision I EVER had to make...Now he believes myself and my family and replacement robots and that the government is reading his mind and wants to buy the technology he dreams about...so yes, you can say he is delusional..full of anxiety, homeless, addicted and totally alone...When I called the psych ward (he has been committed many times already)  and asked what services they had available for him, they agreed with me that "unless he tries to kill himself or someone else...there really wasn't ANYTHING they could do."  I WAS welcome to bring him into the psych ward if I could...yeah right...just haul him in when he thinks I am an evil non-human version of myself....sigh...He is also on court ordered medications that he has not been taking...even though the court ordered someone to surpervise the meds (they released my son into the care of my Dad...that would be great if my DAD DID NOT DIE FIVE YEARS AGO!!!!! ) this was just NOT going to happen!!! A sad, sorry situation with no real hope (that I can see) for a positive outcome...I will still try, of course, to go and get him some help.. So...what does one DO in a situation like this???  I  find that I feel better when I can go and volunteer and actually HELP someone who is helpable...I used to cook meals for a soup kitchen (lots of homeless and addicted people there) , until they tore the building down :'(   AND I have started to volunteer for a crisis line...kind of my way of giving back for all of the support that I received from my friends in CoDA and Naranon (Narcanon...in the USA).  I will not give up trying to get my son a healthy happy life and I encourage each one of you to advocate for the mentally ill in our system <3

"Whatever doesn't kill me.. doesn't make me stronger..but I'm not gonna give up yet"..Finger Eleven

"Hold on...hold on to yourself..this is gonna hurt like hell..." Sara McLachlan

When I was just 26 years old..my soul mate (we could literally read each others thoughts we were so close) was in a tragic accident near Kenora, Ontario.. He had been drinking and using drugs and was speeding.  He swerved, hit a jagged rock cut, flipped the car, and was  pronounced "brain dead" upon arrival at the hospital in Winnipeg... my heart just BROKE..it SHATTERED...He was driving home to reunite with me so we could get married..when I got the call I thought I would just die and honestly...part of my heart DID die that day...I hopped a plane, rushed to the ICU and saw him lying there...after a few hours I knew I had to say goodbye ..they were just keeping his body alive with machines so they could