"Hold on...hold on to yourself..this is gonna hurt like hell..." Sara McLachlan
When I was just 26 years old..my soul mate (we could literally read each others thoughts we were so close) was in a tragic accident near Kenora, Ontario.. He had been drinking and using drugs and was speeding. He swerved, hit a jagged rock cut, flipped the car, and was pronounced "brain dead" upon arrival at the hospital in Winnipeg... my heart just BROKE..it SHATTERED...He was driving home to reunite with me so we could get married..when I got the call I thought I would just die and honestly...part of my heart DID die that day...I hopped a plane, rushed to the ICU and saw him lying there...after a few hours I knew I had to say goodbye ..they were just keeping his body alive with machines so they could
donate his organs to save others. I could tell "he" was gone from the stillness of his body...so I hugged him and said goodbye one last time..he even still smelled like cigarettes..it was so unreal...I half expected him to sit up and make a joke about all of it...As I left the hospital I had no idea where to go ...I could not even see straight, I was so upset..I stopped in various bathrooms, as I walked along the hallways, to have a good cry..throw up sometimes ...until I finally got to the hospital exit door. There was an elderly woman waiting there who asked if I was OK...She hugged me and let me sob in her arms for some time..she got on the same bus I did and said she would show me how to get to downtown Winnipeg so I could find a hotel...She told me that she understood, that her husband was in ICU, dying too...When we got downtown she walked me to a hotel and when I asked if I could repay her kindness, she just asked me to walk her back across the street because she was scared of a gang of youth who were gathering at the streetcorner...I did that, turned around, and walked back across the street to the hotel...After I reached the other side, I turned to wave goodbye.. literally after a few seconds... and she had vanished into thin air...I know she was sent to be my special angel to get me to safety <3
It took a long long time to recover from Andy's death..as if I ever really could..I can't even remember the first few months..One time I even lost it so badly that my son's Dad found me sitting in the gutter at the edge of the road..sobbing...having a breakdown...he scooped me up and brought me to his place where I was safe and could cry it all out...he told me later that it scared him..how sad I was...how lost I seemed..about a year later, after a yet ANOTHER bad relationship with another addict... I found Coda and found strength in the 12 step meetings. They helped me learn to LIVE life..not just survive it...I worked the program and I got a sponsor and I attended regular meetings. I learned that I was powerless over others and that my life had become unmanageable . It was a long hard journey...and took ALOT of work on my part but 18 years later, I have finally learned to love myself and to be able to let others (healthy others like my current husband and father of our other four children) love me...to feel WORTHY and to stop seeking out addicts as partners because they really were NOT there for me emotionally, anyways...When my son was little and I would get stressed sometimes and start yelling he would chirp out "MOMMY I think you need to GO TO A MEETING!!!" He was right... I did.
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