Please come and check out my facebook page as well <3
https://www.facebook.com/FishDontSleepLovingAnAddict

Release your weeds

I have always encouraged my children to cry when they were sad...boys and girls..not when they wanted a chocolate bar in the store or to get something they were denied...but to cry...even in private when the need arose and release all the sad feelings.  Crying, for me, is a necessary part of being human...being stable..being whole, and at peace.  If I get stuck in crying, then things get bad... but when I do purposeful grief work...find a safe place with a friend on speed dial ...and really, really sob from my inner child's little heart..I feel exhausted but more at peace afterwards...I think it is kind of like having a clay yard with weeds in it.  If you have ever tried to dig a clay yard when it is dry, you will understand that it is like trying to break apart a solid brick.  It is absolutely impossible to even pluck a weed until the ground has been soaked with the cleansing, nourishing rain.  After that, the ground will be workable and open. Enabling you to remove the damaging weeds.   Some plants, like codependents, thrive in this harsh soil...they have learned to soak up the good loving moments in life...lay down strong deep roots and to wither a little but persevere during the dry times when that ground is like a brick..feeling stuck until the next rain releases the weeds that choke them and the ground is workable once again.     <3

Holiday Hell...I Mean Happy Easter ...

Holidays are hard enough already but for us parents/partners of addicts they are the WORST!!  No matter what we do..invite them, don't invite them...go see them...don't go look for them...we will STILL feel like hell...SO what I have learned and the philosophy that I follow is to do whatever makes me feel the LEAST like hell on that particular day....Friday I decided to go and look for my son..even if I saw him rocking back and forth at a bus stop or if he still believed me to be a replacement robot...it STILL would have been worth it for me to at least SEE him on Friday.  Would I do the same today?  I am not sure..but I don't have enough gas and I have four other children to celebrate Easter with.  Instead , when I woke I asked my higher power to let him feel our love and prayed that one human being would connect with him today in a caring way.  After that I just had to let it go :')   I can't drive on his journey either and I need to trust that he is exactly where he needs to be (the two pictures represent two months ago and two weeks ago)...doing exactly what he needs to be doing...I can't stop his mental illness, I can't stop his drug using and the police say I can't get him committed again until he hurts himself or someone else...I can cry, scream, pray, help others, take care of myself and love him unconditionally, with strict boundaries <3  and that's it :'(  But if I let myself get sick with worry and relapse into my codependent behaviours THEN I will be the one in the psych ward or the ground...then I will be no good to anyone...including my other babies that need me..especially the three little girls at home and son away at the army ...When my oldest IS a part of our daily lives I find that making holiday plans WAY in advance are completely necessary...ESPECIALLY when the other family members are involved...(I'm talking enablers here...)  If your addict comes,  or doesn't come... they are going to screw it up....they can't help it...they will just screw it up..we decide how much of a part of our day we want my son to be...then we tell him a month in advance and he needs to respect the boundaries (can't sleep over, NO RUDENESS towards ANY of us..he can not be high, that there will be no using or alcohol permitted at our home...sigh) .  It helps us to prepare him, the day and the rest of the family...if he has to be removed ..the police sometimes have to be called...otherwise I just spend the day curled in the fetal position , crying...and that is no fun for anyone..and a total rip-off to my hubby and other kids </3  Best of luck and love to my fellow mothers/partners/dads/loved ones of addicts this Easter day.  I pray for your serenity and that your loved one finds the strength to live another day <3...

never ever give up

What about mental health ??!!!

Where I live, In Canada...there are little , if any, services for people who are mentally ill...add drug addict to this and the list is even shorter..they are left to fend for themselves and eventually end up beyond repair...Today I posted a video of a little blind dog who lived in a pile of garbage on my facebook wall.  These two people found the dog, cleaned it up, and rescued it from certain death into a good home. They EVEN got one of his eyes fixed!!! I wonder how many of us would do this for a human living in the same situation...in a pile of garbage, no one to care or to help them. Stinky, dirty, mentally ill and flea infested... How many of us would dive into the gross mess and pull a human being out and help them???  After 7 years of hard drug use (most recently iv heroin and meth use) my son has finally succommed to his schizophrenic tendencies and become a person struggling with schizophrenia...he is only 21, has been on the streets for 6 years and out of our home since he was 14...signing him over to the care of the ministry was THE hardest decision I EVER had to make...Now he believes myself and my family and replacement robots and that the government is reading his mind and wants to buy the technology he dreams about...so yes, you can say he is delusional..full of anxiety, homeless, addicted and totally alone...When I called the psych ward (he has been committed many times already)  and asked what services they had available for him, they agreed with me that "unless he tries to kill himself or someone else...there really wasn't ANYTHING they could do."  I WAS welcome to bring him into the psych ward if I could...yeah right...just haul him in when he thinks I am an evil non-human version of myself....sigh...He is also on court ordered medications that he has not been taking...even though the court ordered someone to surpervise the meds (they released my son into the care of my Dad...that would be great if my DAD DID NOT DIE FIVE YEARS AGO!!!!! ) this was just NOT going to happen!!! A sad, sorry situation with no real hope (that I can see) for a positive outcome...I will still try, of course, to go and get him some help.. So...what does one DO in a situation like this???  I  find that I feel better when I can go and volunteer and actually HELP someone who is helpable...I used to cook meals for a soup kitchen (lots of homeless and addicted people there) , until they tore the building down :'(   AND I have started to volunteer for a crisis line...kind of my way of giving back for all of the support that I received from my friends in CoDA and Naranon (Narcanon...in the USA).  I will not give up trying to get my son a healthy happy life and I encourage each one of you to advocate for the mentally ill in our system <3

"Whatever doesn't kill me.. doesn't make me stronger..but I'm not gonna give up yet"..Finger Eleven

"Hold on...hold on to yourself..this is gonna hurt like hell..." Sara McLachlan

When I was just 26 years old..my soul mate (we could literally read each others thoughts we were so close) was in a tragic accident near Kenora, Ontario.. He had been drinking and using drugs and was speeding.  He swerved, hit a jagged rock cut, flipped the car, and was  pronounced "brain dead" upon arrival at the hospital in Winnipeg... my heart just BROKE..it SHATTERED...He was driving home to reunite with me so we could get married..when I got the call I thought I would just die and honestly...part of my heart DID die that day...I hopped a plane, rushed to the ICU and saw him lying there...after a few hours I knew I had to say goodbye ..they were just keeping his body alive with machines so they could

HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!

Wouldn't things be easier if there was a HELP button for REAL life?  To just be able to click on it when you don't know what to do or how to survive?  some people rely on their GUT to make decisions..this is usually a good indicator if something is wrong or if our addicts are lying to us...the gut senses something just isn't right..."Go with your gut 1" ..my friend in recovery always says..if you sense red flags...listen to your inner voice and you can always assume that anything out of an active addicts mouth is going to be a lie anyways...a good rule of thumb when dealing with active addicts   is that : "If their lips are moving, they're LYING".
     In my experience drug addicts are REALLY good at convincing us enablers/loved ones that what they are saying is true..that what they are asking for they need desperately..they just KNOW how to get what they need from us..how to tug at our heartstrings and push our buttons.. One helpful way to not enable is to respond to their demands by saying..

The Buttercup Principle

     Life with an addict is beautifully mirrored in nature by the buttercup.  As children, we have all seen the game where you hold a buttercup under someone's  chin and say "Lets see if you like butter. " If you like butter your chin will reflect the yellow of the flower.
     The plant has a beautiful, delicate, flower that is, the colour of the sun but it's appealing, playful, appearance is misleading..and if you EVER let it into your yard it will take over every plant bed and even spread to your neighbour and your neighbour's neighbour in one growing season.
      My mother (ironically, my son's enabler) brought 'said plant' to my garden one day and planted a pretty little patch...now, six years later, it is EVERYWHERE and has spread for BLOCKS in my neighbourhood!  Once it takes root there is no easy way to get rid of it..usually it attaches itself around the roots of other plants, so, much like the addiction, you can't just totally remove it without killing the good plant.  You can only prune the tops and remember to

And just WHY are you so SAD ?

"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too."  
...Frederick Buechner



     I remember one time, on facebook, I posted a story about a homeless woman who tried to sell her baby for cash at a fast food joint.  Everyone who read my facebook post was  disgusted, sad, and some even felt bad for her.  That POOR baby... that POOR woman...that HORRIBLE woman etc...
     So how is it that some of these same people who had such outpourings of emotion for this nameless stranger,  felt that it was ridiculous and selfish of me to get upset after I saw MY young son in his official jail issued suicide-wear "oven mitt dress" after he tried to kill himself in JAIL ON my BIRTHDAY!  They felt my grief and distress was unwarranted and that I should just "LET IT GO".    "Think of your 4 OTHER children." they said...pbfffffttttt
     REALLY ??!!  They felt that the normal reaction for seeing my son's battered face (battered because he was banging it on the walls of his cell until he passed out) and desperate eyes, and him  groaning and lying on the floor crying "Mommy please get me out of here, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!"  ...they felt  that the normal reaction from a mother to THIS would be just to sluff it off? LET IT GO???
     How about when Rick Rypien, the hockey player  died as a result of mental health issues and YEARS of  drug abuse. Why was it ok for