Holiday Hell...I Mean Happy Easter ...

Holidays are hard enough already but for us parents/partners of addicts they are the WORST!!  No matter what we do..invite them, don't invite them...go see them...don't go look for them...we will STILL feel like hell...SO what I have learned and the philosophy that I follow is to do whatever makes me feel the LEAST like hell on that particular day....Friday I decided to go and look for my son..even if I saw him rocking back and forth at a bus stop or if he still believed me to be a replacement robot...it STILL would have been worth it for me to at least SEE him on Friday.  Would I do the same today?  I am not sure..but I don't have enough gas and I have four other children to celebrate Easter with.  Instead , when I woke I asked my higher power to let him feel our love and prayed that one human being would connect with him today in a caring way.  After that I just had to let it go :')   I can't drive on his journey either and I need to trust that he is exactly where he needs to be (the two pictures represent two months ago and two weeks ago)...doing exactly what he needs to be doing...I can't stop his mental illness, I can't stop his drug using and the police say I can't get him committed again until he hurts himself or someone else...I can cry, scream, pray, help others, take care of myself and love him unconditionally, with strict boundaries <3  and that's it :'(  But if I let myself get sick with worry and relapse into my codependent behaviours THEN I will be the one in the psych ward or the ground...then I will be no good to anyone...including my other babies that need me..especially the three little girls at home and son away at the army ...When my oldest IS a part of our daily lives I find that making holiday plans WAY in advance are completely necessary...ESPECIALLY when the other family members are involved...(I'm talking enablers here...)  If your addict comes,  or doesn't come... they are going to screw it up....they can't help it...they will just screw it up..we decide how much of a part of our day we want my son to be...then we tell him a month in advance and he needs to respect the boundaries (can't sleep over, NO RUDENESS towards ANY of us..he can not be high, that there will be no using or alcohol permitted at our home...sigh) .  It helps us to prepare him, the day and the rest of the family...if he has to be removed ..the police sometimes have to be called...otherwise I just spend the day curled in the fetal position , crying...and that is no fun for anyone..and a total rip-off to my hubby and other kids </3  Best of luck and love to my fellow mothers/partners/dads/loved ones of addicts this Easter day.  I pray for your serenity and that your loved one finds the strength to live another day <3...