HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!!!

Wouldn't things be easier if there was a HELP button for REAL life?  To just be able to click on it when you don't know what to do or how to survive?  some people rely on their GUT to make decisions..this is usually a good indicator if something is wrong or if our addicts are lying to us...the gut senses something just isn't right..."Go with your gut 1" ..my friend in recovery always says..if you sense red flags...listen to your inner voice and you can always assume that anything out of an active addicts mouth is going to be a lie anyways...a good rule of thumb when dealing with active addicts   is that : "If their lips are moving, they're LYING".
     In my experience drug addicts are REALLY good at convincing us enablers/loved ones that what they are saying is true..that what they are asking for they need desperately..they just KNOW how to get what they need from us..how to tug at our heartstrings and push our buttons.. One helpful way to not enable is to respond to their demands by saying..
"Well..that just doesn't work for me today...". It really isn't a NO or a YES...just not today... and it doesn't allow for the blow ups and rude comments we are used to getting when we say NO.

Some really useful tools for dealing with my son's addiction were to :

(#1) WORK MY PROGRAM!!! Working the 12 steps myself, and attending groups like Naranon (for families/friends of addicts in Canada), Narcanon (in the USA) and Coda (Codependents anonymous) plus reading the books, literature these meetings provided. It especially helps to listen to  and share my story with the PEOPLE at the meetings who understand because THEY live this nightmare TOO!!! I found it also helped me to occasionally go to NA meetings (narcotics anonymous) to talk with recovering addicts.  These groups have "open" meetings in some locations for information for people like us who love addicts and support for people with respects to drug addictions and drug addicts. Definitely try to READ, JOURNAL, READ SOME MORE and  TALK about it with others who suffer too!!! Don't be ashamed of your loved one's addiction..it is NOT your Fault!

(#2) SET BOUNDARIES!!!
Turn off the phone at night...I do this after 9pm actually..If someone really needs me, they will come and get me...I DON'T need to hear what a horrible mother (insert bad hurtful words here) I am at 3am.
Stick to your guns with respects to not enabling...no money for anything (no food, rent, bus tickets cigarettes..it just makes it easier for them to get DRUGS..not even Ziploc bags of spaghetti sauce...)...NO they cant stay in your house, in your shed or your car (even if it is snowing outside) ...NO they CAN'T just POP BY unannounced...they need to call first...(no matter how much you have missed them)... NO they CAN'T come for Christmas/birthdays/thanksgiving..(plan WAY ahead for this..if you do invite them KNOW they will mess it up and prepare for it. I would rather have my son stay away on Christmas than to have him arrested like I did a few years ago on Christmas EVE :'( ...Whatever you need YOUR limits to be SET them...and KEEP them...If you ever do enable a little..(hey we ALL do it!) don't beat yourself up about it..just try not to do it again..

(#3) Take the focus OFF of the ADDICT and put it BACK on YOU!!  I won't be ANY GOOD to my addict... when he finally decides to get help...if I let myself get rundown or sick or even have a complete mental breakdown or die myself...stressing over an addict can only lead to one thing..death for us.. Take a class...even for just one day.  Eat well, take care of yourself, love yourself, connect with others.  Get out into nature..hikes, walks, gardens. Write cheerful inspiring messages to yourself on sticky notes or even in black marker on your mirror and tv :)  Stay away from depressing people, DRAMA, movies, songs etc...you LIVE that ...why bombard yourself with MORE???  take a trip, get a mani/pedi (MEN can get them TOO )  get a massage, buy a cookie, BAKE some cookies..whatever makes YOU feel good :)

(#4) Tell yourself over and over...
I did not CAUSE this addiction (it is a disease like cancer/diabetes..NOT YOUR FAULT)

I can NOT CONTROL the addict...(taking drugs with them, throwing their drugs out..nagging harping..threatening, dragging to meetings...monitoring them DOESN'T WORK!).

I CAN NOT CURE this addiction..there is NO CURE ...EVER!!!..There is only abstinence on the part of the addict EVEN from booze/weed and prescription meds...the most seasoned recovering addict will ALWAYS say "I am just ONE DAY AWAY" ...I can tell you I am not using right now...but I can't promise what I will do tomorrow...one day at a time

(#5) Practice GRATITUDE...every night I try to be thankful for at least five things I experienced during my day...If you are reading THIS you can at least add "I woke up above the ground today" to your gratitude list...AND because you are reading this...you have found someone that cares <3 a FRIEND ..that's number two... I have learned to become grateful for my son's addiction..I KNOW  CRAZY RIGHT??!!  BUT without this roller coaster ride from hell (which I DON'T ride any more BTW)...I would NOT have REALLY understood compassion...I can honestly say RIGHT NOW that I love ALL humans...YES even the yucky ones..they too have their story..I can't explain it...I just "get" it now..I am also ETERNALLY grateful for the people that this nightmare has lead me to...I would not trade ANY of them...They are my special family..my recovery family..

(#6) Connect with a higher power (whomever or whatever YOU perceive that to be). I had to accept that I can't drive on my life journey either...even when it is NOT what I wanted for myself...OR my son...this is hard for some people...but on the advice of Melody Beattie (Codependent no more) ...just ACT AS IF you are ok..and that you DO believe in a higher power...eventually it will become clear...if you LET it..Eventually you WILL be able to let this go and find PEACE...I start each day seeking what my higher power's will is for me...and end each day putting stuff in my "god box"..letting it all go...just so I can sleep...just for tonight <3

There are other tools I will talk about at another time but these are a GREAT head start and probably enough to get someone started.  May life bring you peace and serenity <3